


Remember Me

by BookshopLaura



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Memory Loss, Merthur - Freeform, Post-Magic Reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 12:33:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3896494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshopLaura/pseuds/BookshopLaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur wakes up and can't remember...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Arthur wakes up. The sun is shining through his window, he can smell his cooked breakfast wafting from the table and George is politely asking him if he'd prefer his breakfast in bed. And he is miserable. He's not sure why, he can't place it, which upsets him even more. Something is very wrong with the scene before him and he is really upset, almost on the verge of crying and he doesn't know why. 

"Sire? Do you need something? A glass of water?" asks George politely, frowning a little.

"I... something's wrong... there's something..." George cuts in as Arthur struggles to articulate. 

"Ah... maybe I should call for Gaius. You may not be fully recovered from your illness." George turns to leave. He seems a little jittery and Arthur doesn't like that either.

"Illness? I... I don't remember being ill" says Arthur, frowning. 

"Your majesty has been delirious, has had a very severe sickness. You may not remember it."

"I..." Arthur tries to remember yesterday. But trying to remember anything hurts. Hurts like remembering something terrible and yet he cannot see anything in his mind. 

"I want to see Gaius, right now!"

\---

When Gaius arrives his face is closed and stern. His face has always looked a little stern, it sits that way naturally, but Arthur has known him long enough to decipher when Gaius really is emotional. And clearly now he is.

"George says I have been sick." says Arthur, as Gaius draws up a chair beside his bed.

"Yes, sire" That's it, it's curt, blunt. Gaius is checking his eyes and heart rate with no further explanation, and that's not normal.

"You're angry with me." says Arthur, frowning a little confused as he watches Gaius. Gaius blinks a little then seems to rally himself. 

"No, sire. My, apologies, your... illness has taken a lot out of me, I'm a little tired." he attempts a smile. It doesn't reach his eyes. Arthur tries to ignore the worry he feels at that, and takes to looking around the room as Gaius examines him. Something is wrong. Something is missing. He doesn't know what it is, but he's missing something. 

"You seem to be in perfect health, now, sire" says Gaius, looking up at him.

"I'm not Gaius. Something isn't right. Tell me what happened from the beginning."

"What's the last thing you can remember?" asks Gaius quietly.

"I..." Arthur tries to think. "I remember... a meeting, yesterday! With the council and... and it's not right. I can't see it properly and there gaps! Gaius, please! Tell me what's going on." Gaius hangs his head a little. 

"I'm sorry, sire. I can't explain it in a way that will make any sense. You were very.. ill, after the council meeting and it has affected your memory. It may affect you for a day or two. Try not to think about it."

"So, my memory, it will come back in a day or two?" asks Arthur, studying Gaius closely.

"You will feel a lot better in a few days." Arthur tries to be comforted by this.

\---

He tries, but by the end of the day he still feels awful. If anything he's feeling worse, far worse. He's missing something really really imprtant. It feels like having a word you know but can't recall on the tip of your tongue, or knowing someone's behind you and not being able to turn around. And the more he thinks about it the more he's convinced it's a person. The realisation hits him like a battering ram when he's out training with the knights (who are unusually quiet), or more precisely as he's leaving the field. He looks up and he's expecting someone to be there. He has things he wants to tell someone, and no one is there and he doesn't know who it is he wants to talk to but he has the overwhelming feeling that someone should be here. 

The feeling is confirmed at dinner, and again at breakfast. He keeps feeling the urge to make a quip or comment, but not to George, or to the silence of the room around him. He thinks through all the knights and, no, it isn't one of them he's missing. Or his father, or Morgana. Gwen has been to see him, a little serious, but smiling all the same. Her chatter soothes him for a while, but she isn't the one he's missing. After she's left he's listening to the silence of his room, the crackling of the fire and howl of the wind outside. All he can think is that it's too quiet. And he finds himself crying, but he doesn't know why! He feels like his heart has been torn in half, he feels heartbroken and yet he's blinded to the reason why. He forces himself to bed, telling himself that Gaius is an excellent physician and that things will look better in the morning.

\--- 

The second morning is as gloomy as the first. And his memory has not returned. He remembers yesterday as clear as a bell, almost every minute. But everything beyond that is fuzzy, unfocussed. And painful, still so painful. He forces himself to go to training, where his knights are yet again quiet, some looking at him oddly. The training itself helps him keep his mind clear for a few hours, focussing on the movements and muscles. But then he's turning to leave and only the empty field greets him. And he's looking. Turning, searching. Someone should be here. Someone important should be there waiting for him, where are they?

When he reaches his room he finds George ready to change him and his lunch laid out beautifully on the table. He barely looks at it. He doesn't want to eat anything. He doesn't want to be here, because something is wrong, so wrong. He gets changed in a hurry, snapping at a far too formal George, and heads to Gaius' chambers. Because now Arthur is panicking. He's convinced, so convinced that someone is missing. And yet everyone around him is acting as if everything is fine. No-one has mentioned anyone is missing. No announcements of any deaths, no search parties for anyone. Which leads Arthur to one, inevitable conclusion. He is insane. Arthur has gone mad, and can no longer trust his own mind. Which scares him to death. So he heads to the only person who might be able to help him. To Gaius.

\---

Arthur doesn't bother knocking on Gaius' door. He doesn't know why, but he just barges in. And it looks so familiar. He's been here many times, he thinks, although he can't remember being ill very much. He looks around. Gaius clearly isn't here, and for a moment Arthur stands there, fists clenched as he tries to think what to do. Should he just wait? Maybe he should head to his chambers and have George send Gaius when he returns. What does he normally do? He can't remember.

His thoughts are interrupted by a wail for the room off of Gaius' chambers, up the rickety stairs. Someone up there is clearly in pain, a lot of pain. Arthur feels like the only time he's heard someone cry like this is at funerals. When a woman has lost a child, or a man has lost his young wife. It's like anguish and for a moment Arthur thinks "that's how I feel". He has the great urge to go and investigate. But these are Gaius' chambers and there is probably a patient up there who doesn't want their King sticking his head in when they are upset and in pain. Clearly in a lot of pain. Young, certainly not Gaius, probably a man or boy judging by the voice, but it's difficult to tell. Not a child. 

Arthur turns to leave, but he can't. The weeping is so distressed, so miserable that before he even realises it he is on the stairs and outside the door to the little room. He pauses and thinks about turning around, but up close the weeping is even more desperate. He can hear each strangled, snotty breaths between each wail. Hear little coughs, hear when the person behind the door cries into their arms, muffling the noise. There is no other sound from the room, whoever is crying is alone. All that Arthur can think is that no one crying this much and this desperately should be crying alone. So he opens the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Arthur pushes the door slowly open. The crying stops at the sound of the door creaking and for a moment Arthur freezes. There is a figure huddled on the bed, a young man with black hair, hugging his knees. He sniffs a little, not looking up. The room around him is a bed chamber. A poor bed chamber, a simple bed, with a straw mattress, and coarse blanket. The young man is bearing a blue shirt and his hair is greasy and messy. 

"Please, Gaius, just leave me alone." says the young man pathetically. His voice is high and almost a wail in itself.

"I... it's not Giaus." says Arthur awkwardly. He probably shouldn't be here, this young man, in the depths of despair doesn't want a complete stranger prying into his business. Except that he doesn't feel like a complete stranger. The young man glances up. His eyes are a brilliant blue, rimmed with red. His eyes are puffy, as is his nose and his cheeks are wet. And now Arthur is almost sure he knows him. Except that he has no memories of him, and can't even remember his name. But he knows him, he's sure of it. Then again maybe it's just another symptom of his illness, of his madness.

"What are you doing here?" asks the man looking confused. Of course he'd be confused, the king of Camelot has just walked into his bedroom. 

"I came to see Gaius and I heard you crying. Are you okay?" he asks, risking a step forward. The man watches for a moment, then drops his head.

"Gaius is out, he's visiting Osric... the butcher... by the market. I'll send him to you when he returns." And then the man is resting his cheek on his arms which lay across his knees. He brings a hand up and wipes his cheek with his sleeve. 

"Do you... you're upset. What's wrong?" asks Arthur, stepping closer still and sitting down on the side of the bed, watching the man carefully. He's hiccuping a little from the crying, and gripping his knees. 

"Nothing important" mutters the man. Which is clearly a lie because the man looks like his world has ended. 

"It's important to you. What happened?" says Arthur, turning, so that he's facing the man face on. He glances up again, his brow apprehensive and he's watching Arthur warily. Then he seems to resolve himself, but looks away from Arthur.

"I... I was trying to so a spell, and it didn't work." A sorcerer, the young man is a sorcerer. For a moment Arthur feels his heart race. Magic is banned and sorcerers are dangerous. But evil sorcerers don't struggle to perform spells. They don't admit to their King that they were practising magic. And they certainly don't sit on a bed crying about it like the ground has collapsed from under him. He should be more cautious he thinks, but nothing is fitting right.

"What... what spell didn't work?" asks Arthur, trying not to show his mental confusion. 

"Does it matter? Isn't that enough to execute me?" asks the man and now he's sobbing again. And suddenly Arthur can't help but pity him. 

"Please, no. I wouldn't do that. Please, tell me what's wrong!" he says, reaching to lay his hand on the man's shoulder.

"It was... was meant to stop it hurting, but it didn't!" says the man between sobs.

"You weren't.... weren't trying to... end it, were you?" and now Arthur's heart is racing for a completely different reason. How can this man, so young, have got into this state.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself." Arthur rubs the man's shoulder in way that he hopes comes across as reassuring. The man looks back up at him with the same apprehensive look. 

"I was trying to forget." says the man. And now it's like all Arthur can hear is a frantic ringing. The sorcerer was trying to make himself forget something. Was using a forgetting spell. That's it, that's what has been used on me, thinks Arthur. 

"Have you used this spell on anyone else?" asks Arthur, watching the man closely, still gripping his shoulder. The man nods.

"Did you use it on me?" he asks, his voice now not much above a whisper. Again the man nods, but this time he's bursting into loud sobs as he does so until he's simply rocking forward as he cries. His crying is painful to watch, and however desperate he is for answers, Arthur can't ignore the obvious distress the man is in. So, smothering his curiosity for a moment, he moves until he's seated beside the man and can place an arm around him. He pulls away and only seems to cry more loudly. Arthur pulls away a little, but can't help his hand moving to the man's back where he's soon rubbing soothing circles with his thumb.

"It's you, isn't it. I've forgotten you."says Arthur quietly, staring at the figure before him. Another bob of his head indicates a yes. It calms Arthur to confirm it. He's not mad. He was right. He had been missing someone.

"Why did you do it? Why did you make me forget you?" he asks, almost crying himself. For a moment the sobbing intensifies then quietness for just a moment as the man says.

"Because you told me to."


	3. Chapter 3

For a few moments they sit there in silence, side by side. The young man crying into his arms and Arthur awkwardly rubbing his back. He wants to ask why, why did he want to forget this man. He's not sure he wants to know the answer. There must have been a reason, a terrible reason. Logically he should get up and walk away. If the him of two days ago didn't want to remember him, didn't want to know him, he should just go. He can't have changed that much in two days. But then the last two days have been almost unbearable, and his world has turned upside down. Arthur doesn't think he's ever felt this empty before, or this alone. Does the young man's sorcery have something to do with it? He was quick to jump to the conclusion that Arthur would execute him. But he has left such a void behind that Arthur thinks they must have been close, and for a long time. Arthur struggles to believe he could be so close to someone and not know that they practised magic. But if he hadn't known... From the man's perspective, to have kept this secret and believe for so long that Arthur would execute him. They must at least be friends, at least. But then the man is clearly not rich, not a lord or knight. How would Arthur even know him? What is he to Arthur? 

"What's your name?" asks Arthur, as the man's sobs quieten.

"M...Merlin." says the man. Again Arthur gets the feeling of having known this all along. Merlin sounds so familiar and fits the man so well. All the stranger because Merlin is not a common name, in fact except for the fact that he's sure that this is the man's name, he'd swear he's never heard it before.

"Were... were we friends, Merlin?" asks Arthur. For a moment Merlin stays still, huddled up as he is. He turns his head a little to glance at Arthur, his head still resting on his arms.

"I was your servant." he says, then lowers his eyes again. 

"Just my servant?" asks Arthur. Merlin lifts his head and nods, a sad, heartbreaking smile appearing for a moment. 

"Yes, just your servant."

"Why did I want to forget you?" asks Arthur quietly, mentally noting that he doesn't believe the 'just a servant' point for a moment. 

"Because..." But Merlin doesn't get any further in his explanation, just thinking of it again has him sobbing, and Arthur can't stand it. He wraps his arms around Merlin and pulls him to himself.

"Stop it! Stop it, Arthur please!" sobs Merlin.

"I don't believe you!" growls Arthur and Merlin's eyes are widening at Arthur's reaction.

"I don't believe that 'just a servant' would call me Arthur and not Sire." says Arthur forcefully. Merlin's eyes are wide and shocked, maybe even fearful. Arthur takes a breath before I speaks.

"I just, I want to know..."

"No, you don't. That's why you wanted to forget." interrupts Merlin, still distressed.

"But now I want to remember! I want to remember you!" says Arthur, grabbing Merlin's face. Merlin is shaking his head. 

"I'm dead to you, you said that." says Merlin sadly.

"Then I was wrong! Please, Merlin. Tell me what happened!"

For a moment Merlin just sits there, head bowed. Then he takes a breath and says.

"Arthur, I lied to you. Betrayed you. We've... we were... friends for many years. And I didn't tell you..."

"Didn't tell me what?" says Arthur.

"That I am a sorcerer." says Merlin quietly. Arthur frowns at that.

"But what did you do?" he asks, still quietly. What can he have possibly done that warranted his reaction?

"You saw me lighting a fire, whilst we were out hunting. All the wood was wet and I thought you were hunting, but..."

"You lit a fire? Is that it?" asks Arthur, frowning more. Merlin looks up at him, eyes wide. Because of course that's it. 

"But... it can't. It can't just be that. You must have done more than that..." Merlin shakes his head.

"You said I betrayed you, that you'd never really known me. And that you could never trust me again... you should go." says Merlin.

"No! No I won't. I'm not that cruel. Merlin, please tell me I'm not that person!" Merlin shakes his head.

"You're not cruel, I know you're not. You had every... right..." Now it's Arthur's turn to shake his head. 

"No. No, I can't have cast you off for lighting a fire, just for lighting a fire. Merlin I need to remember, I need to know!" 

"There's no way to break the spell!" says Merlin hopelessly. 

"But you remembered." says Arthur, wiping away Merlin's tears with his thumbs. Merlin's almost winces at the touch. 

"That's because the spell didn't work. It only lasted half an hour. Then everything came flooding back." his sentence is joined by a fresh bout of tears. Arthur waits for his sobs to calm.

"I... I don't think it's working properly with me either." says Arthur quietly. Merlin's eyes open and he quietens waiting for Arthur to speak again.

"I couldn't... still can't remember you. But I knew that you were missing. I knew that someone should be there who wasn't. I thought I was going mad... but I was right. It was you, you were what was missing..." Merlin's eyes have gone wide again. Arthur's hands are still holding his cheeks, wiping tears away gently. 

"There's definitely no way to break the spell?" asks Arthur sadly. Merlin's shaking his head again. But he's calmer. Arthur's still stroking his cheeks, there's even a hint of a smile. Hope? Hope because Arthur doesn't hate him? There's even a dimple at the side of Merlin's mouth. Arthur's caressing it before he's even thought whether it's wise. And then he has an idea. A really ridiculous and probably a terrible idea, but an idea. He looks up into Merlin's eyes, a wild glint in his eyes.

"Arthur?" says Merlin, confused.

"Merlin, you know in all the stories you're told as a child. There's only ever one way to break the spell." Merlin's brow is furrowed, as Arthur keeps looking at him, not understanding. He looks like he's about to say something, but Arthur can't wait. Heart thundering, Arthur takes a breath, and kisses Merlin.


	4. Chapter 4

Arthur is in the forest and he's standing behind a tree. Well technically he's hiding. He's been hunting and got a rabbit for their dinner, and has now returned with it. But he's waited, he's held behind. He'd like to think that it's because he was suspicious, but that's not true. The fact is he's in love with Merlin. Smitten, disgustingly so. And there's something so beautiful about the way the firelight plays off of Merlin's face. Which is why he's chosen to wait and watch Merlin light the fire for a while before 'returning with the food'. Merlin is currently carefully clearing the ground and stacking the firewood. It’s going to take a long time; the wood Merlin’s chose is sodden. Arthur’s happy about that. 

Arthur can't say anything, his heart hurts with how much he wants to, but he can't. Merlin is his servant and a man. And even if there was a chance that Merlin returned his feelings, which he doesn't, nothing could happen. Arthur will need heirs and he can't marry a man, and Merlin certainly doesn't have the temperament of a royal consort and... and... There are so many ands, but none of them seem to have any impact on the way his heart hammers when he see's Merlin, or the way his breath catches when Merlin stands too close. 

He knows he shouldn't be indulging in watching Merlin like this, admiring him, and he's just about to step out and reveal himself when Merlin glances around suspiciously then turns back to the neat pile of firewood. He raises his hands and then his eyes, the deep blue which Arthur has so long admired, flash a guilty gold. And that feels like a knife to Arthur's heart. And it should be because Merlin is a traitor and is dangerous and a terrible person. But it's not, it's because Merlin never told him. Which means Merlin never trusted him. A part of Arthur had always held out a hope that Merlin felt the same way. Merlin knows everything about Arthur, probably knows more about Arthur than he knows himself, but clearly Arthur didn't really know Merlin at all, Merlin didn't trust him with this. If Merlin loved Arthur, like Arthur loved Merlin, he would have told him, would have trusted him. 

He steps out from behind the tree and Merlin glances up, his hands are still raised. For a moment he just stands there awkwardly, his hands by his side, one awkwardly holding the dead rabbit that was to be their dinner. But his eyes must say everything because Merlin’s face crumples. 

“I’m sorry” he says. 

“I meant to tell you.” But it’s not “I was going to tell you, I was planning to tell you.” 

“Cook this” says Arthur flatly, walking over numbly and handing Merlin the rabbit. Then he turns and walks back into the woods. He doesn’t want Merlin to see his heart breaking.   
\---  
He can’t remember the journey back in any detail. Merlin was quiet, occasionally saying his name questioningly, but Arthur doesn’t answer. What can he say? You’ve broken my heart? You’re not the man I knew? He is silent for days, as Merlin seems to float around him like a ghost. He is red-eyed but he doesn’t cry in front of Arthur. They don’t talk, not really. Arthur’s heart burns, there are so many things he wants to say, but what’s the point. Merlin doesn’t care for him. He can’t ask him to apologise for that. And there’s only so many times Merlin can beg forgiveness for his betrayal. 

“Are you going to kill me?” Merlin asks one evening.

“No point. You’re already dead to me.” Says Arthur without thinking, and he knows it’s too harsh, knows it’s not just the betrayal, but his own heartache speaking. Merlin’s eyes blink and for a moment Arthur thinks that maybe Merlin does share his feelings, because he looks like he’s going to cry. But then Merlin is shaking his head and saying.

“Is there anything I can do for you, my Lord.” He’s trying to be normal, he’s getting up as if it’s any other evening.

“Can you make me forget?” asks Arthur, bitterly. 

“Forget what, my lord?” ask Merlin, forcing himself to smile.

“You” says Arthur bitterly. He means your betrayal. My feelings for you. That I know you’re secret, that I found out by accident. But that’s too long and he wants Merlin to feel some of the hurt he’s feeling. 

“If that’s what you want. I can do that.” Says Merlin, and Arthur thinks he can hear sadness in Merlin’s voice. But he probably just wants to hear. For a moment he thinks, does he really want to forget Merlin? But at that moment every thought about Merlin hurts. All his memories blister with Merlin’s betrayal. He can’t trust anything that Merlin says or the way he acts. So that evening he has Merlin perform the spell, and then, heart aching, he goes to bed.  
\---  
All of Arthur’s memories flood back in a moment at the touch of Merlin’s lips. And his heart aches all over again that Merlin didn’t trust him and that he loves Merlin and it isn’t reciprocated. But, but now he has two more days memories. Two days without Merlin, which were far more horrific. He knows now, that if he forgets Merlin his heart will just go hunting for him again. Arthur breaks the kiss, leaning his forehead against Merlin’s.

“Do you remember?” asks Merlin, quietly.

“Yes.” Replies Arthur. And now he can feel the way that Merlin is trying physically not to cry, but he can’t. He thinks back to wanting to see Merlin feel the pain he was feeling, and it seems hollow and bitter. Because Merlin is hurting and Arthur can’t stand it. Hasn’t been able to stand it since the moment he walked in, no, since the moment he heard him crying. He whispers “I’m sorry, Merlin.” 

“Do... do you want to forget me again now?” asks Merlin, not even trying to hide how high his voice is, or how obvious it is that he’s crying. 

“No. No, I don’t want to forget you.” Says Arthur quietly. 

“Even though... I betrayed you? Even though I’m a sorcerer... and everything that you hate?” asks Merlin, and he’s shaking against Arthur as he says it. And that’s why he didn’t argue before. Because he thought he deserved it, or at least because he didn’t think he deserved forgiveness. Was so convinced he’d never receive it. 

“I could never hate you, Merlin.” He says, reaching up to brush a tear from under Merlin’s eyes. 

“The truth is I was selfish. I... I love you and it hurt me that you didn’t trust me... that you didn’t love me too, I’m not asking... it’s not your fault. But it hurt... that you could never...” Arthur can barely talk, he can feel the blood building, tingling in his cheeks, and he knows he’s never been good with emotions or expressing them, but Merlin needs to know. 

“Arthur.” Says Merlin, quietly. Arthur looks up and Merlin’s eyes are wide. Then there’s a little smile. Then it gets a little wider until it’s making wrinkles round his eyes.

“Arthur... in all those stories, when the kiss breaks the spell... It’s not just any kiss...”

For a moment Arthur just looks at Merlin. Then he smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure I'm entirely happy with this ending, so if anyone has any crit about if or where it's rushed, if it doesn't make sense etc then please let me know and I'll give it another bash. I don't like posting stuff I'm not happy with but I can't seem to make it fit any better. I'm hoping your feedback can help me solve the problem!!

**Author's Note:**

> I know I'm being really naughty and starting new fics when I haven't finished the last ones, but I promise I will go back and finish "The sorcerer's child" and "the execution", but this idea got stuck in my head and I just had to write.
> 
> As always, I love comments, adore them. The more detailed the better. But short and sweet is good as well!!


End file.
